So, you’re an aspiring Darwin Awardee and have a bike handy, what are your options to make history? Here’s my top tips based on years of observation, listening to incredible stories of crashes and researching fatal crashes all over the country that will give you a pedal-up on your competing wanna-be awardees! *
Ride your bike while…
1. …staring at your phone and rarely look up, just go by “feel”. You’ve been all over this campus so many times, you know every bump, bush, pothole; who needs to actually see where they’re going?!
2. …wearing ear buds or better yet, full ear-covering headphones w/ music cranked up. Your hearing is designed for awesome music not buses or trucks passing nearby.
3. … drinking coffee and going no-handed for extra coolness just like the hip song “I can ride a bike with no handlebars!”.
4. … going no-handed in the bike lane just a few feet from moving motor vehicles! What could possibly go wrong?!?!
BETTER YOUR ODDS! Combine 2 or all 3 of the above for more chances of a fatal crash!
Jump on your bike…
5. …without checking whether your brakes are working; who really needs brakes?! Maybe just take them off altogether to save weight and use your feet to stop?!
6. …with your fork mounted backwards (just the way it came out of the box!). Assembling a bike is easy-peasy like walking and chewing gum.
7. …without making sure someone hasn’t stolen your front wheel skewer that holds your wheel on the fork.
8. …with your handlebars flopping around completely loose.
Ride your bike….
9. … on the sidewalk, in the bike lanes, wherever is the fastest (against traffic)!
10. …at night with no lights and dark clothing.
11. … through red lights, stop signs, whatever. Street laws are for cars/ trucks and wussies.
* This article is satire and not intended to be a serious guide to your demise. Please DO NOT do these things if you would like to continue living. Read this article for REAL tips that will help save your life.