Darwin Award tips for Cyclists

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So, you’re an aspiring Darwin Awardee and have a bike handy, what are your options to make history?  Here’s my top 10 tips based on years of observation, listening to incredible stories of crashes and researching fatal crashes all over the country that will give you a pedal-up on your competing wanna-be awardees! *

Ride your bike while…

1. …staring at your phone and rarely look up, just go by “feel”.  You’ve been all over this campus so many times, you know every bump, bush, pothole;  who needs to actually see where they’re going?!

2. …wearing ear buds or better yet, full ear-covering headphones w/ music cranked up.  Your hearing is designed for awesome music not buses or trucks passing nearby.

3. … drinking coffee and going  no-handed for extra coolness just like the hip song “I can ride a bike with no handlebars!”.

BETTER YOUR ODDS!  Combine 2 or all 3 of the above for more  chances of a fatal crash!


Jump on your bike…

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Extra points for non-working front brakes!

4.  …without checking whether your brakes are working; who really needs brakes?!  Maybe just take them off altogether to save weight and use your feet to stop?!

5. …with your fork mounted backwards (just the way it came out of the box!).  Assembling a bike is easy-peasy like walking and chewing gum.

6. …without making sure someone hasn’t stolen your front wheel skewer that holds your wheel on the fork.

7. …with your handlebars flopping around completely loose.


Don't be a Ninja cyclist!
If you can see them that’s all that counts!  Right!?

Ride your bike….

8.  … on the sidewalk, in the bike lanes, wherever is the fastest (against traffic)!

9. …at night with no lights and dark clothing.

10.  … through red lights, stop signs, whatever.  Street laws are for cars/ trucks and wussies.

* This article is satire and not intended to be a serious guide to your demise.  Please DO NOT do these things if you would like to continue livingRead this article for REAL tips that will help save your life.

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Author: Tim Potter

Sustainable Transportation Manager, MSU Bikes Service Center; member of the All University Traffic & Transportation Committee (http://auttc.msu.edu); founding member of MSU Bike Advisory Committee (https://msubikes.wordpress.com/volunteer-donate/msu-bac/); advocate for local & regional non-motorized transportation issues thru the Tri-Co. Bike Assn. Advocacy Committee (http://groups.google.com/group/tcatc); board member of the Ride of Silence (http://www.rideofsilence.org); year-round bicyclist of all sorts; photographer; soccer player; father of 3; married 30 yrs. to Hiromi, Japanese national (daughter of former Natl. Keirin Champion, Seiichi Nishiji); Christ follower.

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